Comforting the bereaved
When a death occurs, finding the proper words or actions often leaves people feeling anxious when trying to comfort those who are grieving. Express sympathy and feel free to express that you do not know what to say.
The statements; "I'm so sorry; I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I am so sorry and I wish I could do more; We are praying for you and thinking of you." are fine.
Statements such as the above, are truthful, honest, direct, and harmless. Avoid saying phrases like "with time, you'll get over this, they're in a better place etc..".
Statements such as these offer no comfort and deny the person their need to mourn properly.
Perhaps the best thing you can do is spend time with that person, and listen to them work through their grief. Keep in mind that all people react differently, and you must take the cues from different individuals by paying close attention to their needs. Some people prefer to talk, and reminisce about the deceased, while others perhaps prefer to remain silent finding it difficult to speak about the deceased right away.
Here is a list of suggestions to help comfort and ease the pain of those who are bereaving.
- Allow people the ability to freely talk about their loved one as much as they want, you can also encourage reminiscing with heartfelt stories to open up dialog.
- Although it is difficult, ask open ended questions trying to allow the bereaved to express themselves and their grief
- Always mention the deceased by name.
- Do not ignore references to the deceased. They are dead, not erased. Letting a grieving family discuss their loved one - at their own time and pace - often helps a great deal.
- Remember to acknowledge their loss no matter how long ago they suffered it. It's never too late as, that love never dies, and the residual pain will never totally disappear. If you think of someone's loss, don't change the subject or ignore it. Telling someone that you were thinking of his or her loved one helps the pain go away.
- Keep in mind the bereaved does not always want to be reminded of what they have and how life must goes on. Initially those in mourning are focused only on their loss.
- People in grief need acceptance of their emotions for however long it takes for them to heal.
- If it seems that the person is reacting in extreme ways for an unusually long period, encourage him or her to seek professional help.
- Anticipate, with patience, inappropriate behavior and emotions. When a person acts inappropriately because of stress, it does little good to increase the stress by attacking the person under stress.
- Encourage the bereaved to get involved in social activities. Being involved in life, social activities and church helps that healing process as long as those well wishers do not overwhelm the grieving person.
- Allow them to grieve in their own way.
There are also many other practical ways to offer your condolences and support:
- Perform chores and duties around the house (water plants, clean, cut grass, etc..)
- Offer to baby-sit, house-sit or pet-sit
- Arrange hotel accommodations for out of town guests
- Pick up friends and family from the airport, train or bus stations
- Cook dinner or shop for food. It is often difficult for a grieving person to focus on everyday tasks
- Often the grieving person is afraid that others are tired of them and will not ask for help. Telephone the grieving person on a regular basis with their permission, just to show you care
- Send a sympathy card or make a charitable donation in the deceased's name and sending a card weeks later will help too
- Finally, be patience, resolving grief is a long-term process
If you can't help, at least do not try to rush. Attempting to rush recovery only increases stress and is often the most harmful thing someone can do to a grieving person.
The information on this site is not intended to be used as a substitute for obtaining medical advice or seeking treatment from a qualified physician or therapist.
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